Why Gratitude?

When my sons passed away, it felt as though the whole world had ended.  Initially, I was in a fog of morphine.  Literally, in the hospital I had a morphine pump and could push it if I needed to numb the pain. 

The first night, when I woke up without any morphine in my system, I found myself screaming and crying on the floor.  My husband had to race to the nurses station for help.  I don't know what they did or how they got my back in bed, but they did.  And  from then on, I had to learn how to live. How to take each breath.  How to walk around with empty arms, cradling my babies that had died. 

My babies were dead.  What was I to do?  I drank to oblivion.  What else is one to do?  And then, miraculously, I got pregnant.  My sons sent me a miracle in the shape and form of a beautiful, healthy, prayer answering baby girl. 

I had to get my act together.  I had no choice.  My sons made the choice for me by sending my their sister.  They had chosen me for this very special soul.  I was not going to let them down.  Failure was not an option.

I had to learn to cope; I had to learn to survive.  I could not drink, I could not throw away this precious life.  For now I knew and still I know how amazing a little baby can be. 

And so I read, and I meditated, and I established a practice of writing a list each day of what I could be grateful for.  At times the list was total BS.  I lied.  But I did it.  I was grateful for my dog. I was grateful for my family.  I was grateful my sons stayed as long as they did.  I was just grateful. And you know what?  It worked.  It took longer than most say it will, but about 6 months later and even now, I can say I am grateful for my sons, I am grateful they stayed until I was 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I am grateful they sent me first one little sister and then another. 

If they hadn't stayed as long as they did, I wouldn't hold the two precious souls in my arms, that I hold now.  I can still be brought to blinding, heart stopping tears in a moment.  I still drop to my knees in the animal roar of pain out of nowhere.  But, more often than not, more days than not, I am happy.  I am grateful.  I am thankful.  I am alive.  My daughters are alive, and my sons are near.  I hold them in my heart, I see them in the sunlight, and I feel them in soul.  They are here.  They are just beyond my reach, but never far, and I am grateful.

xx